The two loves of my life...

I am a 44 year old woman. I have been in love a total of two times in my life. Both loves have consumed me and I have given all I have to give each time. Life is never predictable, safe or easy, but we can't decide how it will be. We try, we do our best, what we think is right, however the world continues on around us. There are times in my life I would never want to relive and there are times that I would never give up. I thank the two men that I loved for the good times, for helping me grow and I also have moments that I wish had been different. No matter where I am, what I do, my history is my history, that much is true. I would not give up what I have lived or experienced even when there was pain. I have 2 wonderful birth children and now I have 4 wonderful step children, 3 amazing spouses to those step children and 2 of the most beautiful baby boys on this planet as my grand children. Life is life... We can live it or get lost in it. I have chosen to live it. Thank you to the two loves of my life for helping make me who I have become today. Here is a poem dedicated to my first and my second husbands. ..... Sincerely, Sarah Sherman

Goodbye

I tried to say goodbye to you today

But you never let me have

The last word in any conversation

You always were a square peg 

Struggling to fit into a round hole.

The room was full of friends and family

Your daughter sat there unsure of her role

Unlike other wakes the feelings were mixed

But all grief was real and none had time to heal.

Your eulogy was read by me I insisted

No other could explain the dichotomy of your life

I felt I could best since I had been your wife

I showed your sides both good and bad

And tried to reflect the whole life you had led.

Your parents sat there weak and broken

Your brother lost among the crowd

I left one daughter home and one to roam

To share the grief and remember the best

Now I truly hoped your soul could rest.

There was no way to explain the loss or the pain

I was unable to express how you lived with unrest

You always felt lost, you never felt loved

Nothing was enough, you couldn’t accept this was life

Existence serene? Not for you, your mother or your wife.

We let 46 white balloons loose that day

The had lives of their own as the winded and swayed

They reached to the sky some fast and some slow

One or two didn’t leave but had more to say

Before they puffed and rocked and went to the clouds.

The crowd was silent, there hardly a sound

As we stood, breath held and watched the mass swarm,

Of balloons climb to the sky and hoped you would go

With them to heaven even though I know

It is possible you didn’t go to the sky that day.

You have haunted me for more than half my life

You were disturbed and distressed, anxious and obsessed

You scared me, you hurt me, but you never left me

I pray because I have to believe that you have finally found peace

And now you can leave, the girls and I are alone, you have died.

I loved you once and loved you again

You were my mate, my lover, you were my friend

No matter how our lives did end

You will remain in my heart, my head to the end

When I look at our children you live on, you are not gone.

What I Know About Him….

I know that he is my friend,

I know that he cares for me completely

He loves me just the way I am.

He loves how I look, no matter what time of day,

He loves how I sing and just about everything.

He loves me and knows me well,

I know that he loves me in spite of it all.

I know that I love you,

I have never felt this way for another.

I know that this is true love, not infatuation.

I am not in love, with the idea of being in love,

I am in love with a man who helps make me complete.

The bible, calls this person your helpmeet,

I know that you are my soul mate.

I have many faults, many failures and many ghosts,

I know that you still love me the most.

I will have success, with you by my side,

I know that you will help me and come along for the ride!

I love that you get excited and passionate

He creates beauty and makes me feel that beauty too.

I never knew that I could feel so happy beside my love.

He is strong, brave, loving, caring, and fun.

He is scared, worried, aging and tries to retreat.

He thinks that I won’t want him if he is not complete.

I love him no matter what, although he pushes me away

I only want him to stay, by my side, through the night,

I must have him in my life.

He is the man that I want and I know he can be the man that I need.

My handsome, you are smart, funny, intelligent, witty, brilliant, creative and loved.

Let go of the past; don’t let past failures get you down,

We have enough to try to make us drown.

We need to be strong; care for each other, we need to get along

And to forsake all others. I don’t see a man, who is aging,

I see a man who loves, who makes me strong,

A man who helps me carry on. You are my strength, my love.

If I had to choose, for youth or you,

I would choose you as the man for me.

I know you must struggle, with your body falling apart,

You must struggle knowing you are brilliant with your art,

You must feel that this is a mistake, but baby,

Just imagine how much your heart would ache,

If you had to let go, be alone with out your soul mate.

Not everyone gets a second chance at love,

I am lucky to have found it so quickly,

I am no poet or artist or other,

I just know that you are who I want to spend my life with,

The man I want to make daily decisions with,

Share my thoughts with and end the day with.

You, I only love you, just the way you are.

This is written for you by your one love, me

You will be the man in my heart, my first REAL love.

I finally feel like a grown up and you make me happy.

Thank you for that and all your love.

Kisses and hugs, from my heart to yours.

I am not much of a poet, yet it feels a like a good way to express my thoughts. I wrote both of these poems about 5 years ago and they still hold true for me... I know the second poem starts as about "Him" and changes to "You"... please bear with my idiosyncrasies in my writing!

In joy, in sorrow, in good times, in bad times, I only want to be surrounded my my little family. My children and my husband .... You are all wonderful, I love you and would not change places with anyone but to be with you all!

Love Sarah